Okay, I was warned. I'm so not pulling the victim card but in all honesty I'm kicking myself in the ass right now for NOT heeding the advice of those that have been to Casa before me. I'm seriously traumatized. "Birth is different here" I'm told. Woman are ONLY allowed to birth in the McRoberts position...so sad. I was told that this is the optimal position for Mexican woman cause their pelvis' are shaped differently then all other woman...??!!???!! All I can say is WTF!!!!!! I know of practitioners in Mexico that are providing waterbirth & Moms can deliver in any position they desire. I wonder if maybe when they cross the border into El Paso if maybe some big brother type shit happens and their pelvis' contort into a different shape...? Hmmmmm? Could be, ya just never know.
Right now as I sit here and type I'm deeply saddened by the birth I witnessed earlier. Perhaps I sound naive but I had no idea that CPM's would ever dare be this interventive. I witnessed this babies head being yanked on like a tug of war rope...mind you he was descending beautifully with NO signs of shoulder distocia. After birth the cord was immediately clamped & cut and baby was whisked away and given a bottle of formula to make sure he had a strong sucking reflex!! I feel like either I'm on Mars or this is a REALLY bad joke. I failed to mention the routine deelee suctioning that they did on this little guy, which the American Academy of Pediatrics NO LONGER recommends. Mostly I'm sad - Sad for those precious moments lost between mother & child, Sad that this baby was treated with little regard to the conscious and aware being that he is. It will inevitably be my turn to be first on and catch a baby in the next week or so. I refuse to needlessly tug and pull on a baby's neck, I simply wont do it. Yes, I need my numbers for my NARM paperwork but not at the cost of potentially damaging a baby's nerves.
I want to cry, I'm so far away from my family and I feel I'm learning nothing I would EVER apply in my own practice...It doesn't feel worth the sacrifice or cost. I only hope that things get better from here on out. Morally I'm not sure how long I can take witnessing this type of abuse. There are some clinical skills I want to learn but I'm not quite sure if it's worth sticking it out. I also realize that weather I'm here or not births here at Casa will still be happening. One week has passed here already I hope the other three fly by just as quickly. Who knows though - I might be on the next plane back to Chi-Town tomorrow.
I should get going as we just got two mamas that came in in labor. I need some good energy sent my way friends...I'll update soon!
Love,
Kim
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Kim, sending you all my love and positive, healing energy! Your experience brought up a moment of commonality for me and I hope this is helpful. When I worked as a counselor at a shelter for survivors of domestic violence, I was raw in my idealism and poured my heart and soul into helping the women and children who came to me for help. Seeing the ravages of their abusers, the court system, their own issues, their social and economic circumstance, watching them go back, watching them find new partners who were also abusers, watching them get mired in their own cycles of violence, so many, many times I went home and cried deeply and said "why am I even doing this? What possible good can I do here?" The fact is, Kim, that you are in a system that you can probably not change. The gift of birth work, though, is the moment of profound significance that you are operating in. These women will remember YOU, not Casa, for the rest of their lives. YOU are attending the births of their babies. They will talk about you when they are great grandmothers making tortillas with their daughters, granddaughters and great granddaughters. What you do, even in increments, DOES MATTER. YOU can choose, based on your moral compass, what you will and will not do to other human beings. You do not have to accept the dictates of others as your own, though you do, to an extent, have to operate in a pre-existing system. You will learn from this experience, not only your NARM skills, but also how rare and precious your trust in birth and your practice really is. Your incredible gifts to your clients are not borne in the fact that you are a midwife, or that you are attending births at home, it is YOU. You are planting seeds, Kim, that germinate for these women and their babies throughout their lifetime. Your being there makes their births better than your not being there. Your presence, your energy, your skills and your deep commitment to the mamas and the babies that you serve is planting seeds that will, in the flap of a butterfly's wings, change the world. Be well, dear one. Be strong. Be yourself. Know that you are there, and that that matters.
Love,
Jacque
Jacque - I cannot thank you enough for your support and kind words. I greatly appreciate all that you have said and am soaking it in with every fiber of my being. I feel a bit better this eveing. We had four births today alone, including loads of prenatal & postpartum visits. I'm extremly tired and MUST get some rest now though...I'll update more at some point tomorrow.
A little rescue remedy and some awesome support from my friends and family went a lllooooonnnggg way!
BTW - To tired to spell check - sorry :-)
~Kim
O, Kim. I am so sorry that you feel so downtrodden with the birth climate at Casa. But i have to agree with Jacque. These women will remember you because of who you are, and your trust in birth. You will forever touch these women at the most precious time in their life, like you have touched me and my family when you were there to help bring Seven into this world. My hope is that your fellow interns will also learn from you to trust in birth and that it doesnt have to be clinical and medicalized, and can be peaceful and wonderful and the most empowering experience of a women's life. Be well Kim, i am thinking of you.
Kim!! What a terrific blog. I am so proud of you. Hang in there. It will be worth it at the very least for you to know how you DON'T want to practice when you're a CPM. Sometimes when I return from hospital births here in Chicago I feel the same way. I know how hard it is to be away from your family but try to take some time for yourself and know that you have support and well wishes from the community here - even if it's in cyberspace. :) All best, Ami Burns
sending positive energy your way!! you are loved and supported here at home
Abi
Hi Kim remember that in the midst of any storm God is faithful. The power of birth and respecting that is a charge given to you by nature. Find peace in knowing that from this experience you will be given the charge to bring so many children into this world in a manner that will cause healing for the mother and usher a child into this realm with a peaceful birth. I know that this experience will not only give you a better practical knowledge but also give you a deeper desire to allow the beauty of life take form on it's own. My prayers, thoughts and love are with you. Please email me your address I maybe able to get those cookies to you.
oh kim... i'm just now catching up with this... i'm so glad we got to talk the other night, i MISS YOU SO FREAKING MUCH!!!
hang in there my friend. you sounded a lot more balanced on the phone, and i know you canendure and even thrive there. it's a very short season, and then you will be home. jaque said it so much better, what a great comment. :)
i love you
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